Friday, February 17, 2017


I know that most of these thoughts probably aren't original. SUE ME. (don't sue me. I can't afford that right now, and frankly if you're suing me for not having original thoughts about parenting then YOU ARE THE WORST.)

I apologize in advance that I never post pictures and also that this is just mumbo-jumbo. Also I'm sorry that I just said mumbo-jumbo, because that hasn't been socially acceptable since 1492.

+ You know that whole "I don't have a favorite child" nonsense? That's the world's biggest lie, second only to, "of course I don't pee in the shower". I mean, I don't wake up every day thinking, "Well, it really sucks to be Jameson today because he is not my favorite!" but occasionally halfway through the day when he touches his junk and then puts his nasty unwashed hands on my food, I look at my daughter and praise the heavens that she isn't that gross (yet).

To be fair, the whole "favorite child" thing is switching constantly. It's not set in stone. Which I guess is why people can't say they have a favorite. It's not because there isn't one - there is always one. It is because the award for golden child is switching so frequently, nobody can even keep track. I only have two kids, and unless one of them is being a terrorist, I forget who is at the top of the list.

+ While we are on the topic of favoring children, I also have hit this point where I am realizing that my kids aren't always the cutest. It's terrible. You know if you have children, you've looked at other babies and kids the same age as yours and thought, "my kids are way cuter". It's a natural parent thing to do, and that's fine. I usually think my kids are cuter.

That isn't to say my kids are photogenic. OH, they are the worst when they are newborns. I swear Jameson was a cute newborn, but half of my photos make him look like baby Squidward. And Charlotte, she was a really cute newborn, but sometimes I look at pictures and wonder if the thing that I am seeing is even human. I have a few photos of her that look like they could be the offspring of the alien in Men In Black after he puts on the farmers skin. MORE SUGAR WATER.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is my kids are getting less cute. I'm pretty sure Charlotte peaked at 6 months old, which is really a tragedy. Every human hits an awkward stage in life where they aren't cute for a few years. I think Charlie girl just hit hers about 13 years too early. Don't get me wrong, she is still adorable (to me), but with her hillbilly mullet and her crooked front teeth that would put a beaver's to shame, she is really struggling to keep up with Gerber status. We love her anyway. Maybe when her front teeth come all the way in they will straighten out and shrink two sizes. Or she'll just have snaggle-teeth and a mullet for life, because it's hilarious.

+ Feeding kids is the worst. THE WORST. If you have children, you get it. You spend forever making a gourmet meal (most likely 30 second microwaved chicken nuggets straight from the freezer), only for them to throw it on the floor and eat the EXACT SAME THING off of your plate. Or they just refuse it entirely.

It's moments like those when my kids tell me they don't like something where I think, "Really? You suddenly hate pb&j? That's weird, because I'm pretty sure two seconds ago I watched you pick your nose and eat it, and your sister is literally eating a used q-tip out of the bathroom garbage right now and somehow both of you are refusing real food. WHAT IS MY LIFE?!"

And it is at this moment that I am finally realizing why my husband still makes fun of me for trying to feed a two-year-old filet mignon.


^^ well m , b bv the kids found me....

so adios



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