Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Walmart is the worst.

"You're on the market for a new dishwasher? Don't even bother going to [insert dishwasher store here]. I have a guy, I'll hook you up."

"You have a dishwasher guy?"

- ^^ not a real conversation. ^^ -

Are there actually people out there who "have a guy"? I mean, is that actually a thing that is happening in the world? I'm pretty sure I've seen it on one of my Netflix shows. I mean, just the one time I turned on Netflix for a half second. We all know I'm way above spending 4 hours a day staring at a screen while my children eat paper and week-old crumbs off the ground.

I need a guy. 

I mean, I have a guy. He's my husband. What I need are shelves. (Floating shelves.) Is there such a thing as a shelf guy? Does anyone have one of those? Help a sista out.

I thought I could make my own shelves. But then I remembered that time 3 years ago when I started refinishing a table, and how it's still sitting in my in-law's shed. These shelves need to get put up like, yesterday. This is where my shelf guy would come in handy.

Going to the store with Jameson is hard. For some reason, though, I always take him with me. It's like the whole bit about getting pregnant a second time. You're thinking, pregnancy wasn't that bad, and nine months flies by! I could totally do this while taking care of a demon toddler.

Then, the second you get pregnant you're thinking, WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS?! as you're barfing up the Cafe Rio burrito you just scarfed while your toddler is trying to push you out of the way so he can have a turn "coughing" into the toilet. 

Just like when I got pregnant, each time I take Jamey to the store I vow to myself NEVER AGAIN.

I took him to the store today.

I took him to Walmart.

I thought it would be a good trip. We were off to a great start. I grabbed a cart, and the first thing I noticed: NO HAIRBALL WHEELS!

Don't act like you have no clue what I'm talking about. It's a Walmart thing. There is this unwritten rule among the wheels of all the carts that they have to snatch up as much hair as possible, and let it wind around and around until a nice little hairball starts to take form. This hairball makes the wheel defective, so your cart is always veering one way or the other, and you've got to use your super-strength to keep from looking like a crazy person who has never steered a hairball cart before.

My cart didn't have any hairballs-- I checked. Every single wheel was clear. It was a Christmas miracle. I thought to myself, Nothing can stop me today! and then realized how much that didn't matter because it was 8:00PM and I was about to go home and go to bed.

I waltzed into the store, confident that I would find exactly what I was looking for. I mean, no hairball wheels. It had to be some sort of premonition. 

But like any trip to Walmart, I walked around for about 15 minutes trying to dodge sketchy fat people wearing leggings while seeking out my floating shelves. 

I was unsuccessful. In the finding of floating shelves, I mean.

I decided it was in my best interest to ask an employee for help.

"Hi, um excuse me"

She stopped.

"Do you by chance know where I could find shelves? Preferably floating shelves."

She looked at me, and snorted.

"Floating shelves?! I suppose you expect me to find you a flying pig, too!" and she walked away.

Since that moment, the only thing on my mind have been these two dogs.

You guys, Walmart really is the worst.


  1. I'm just impressed you could find an employee AND that she stopped to let you ask a question!