missing the motherland

This post is dedicated to my lovely friend, Taylor Price.
(for those of you who followed my adventures in Russia, she was referred to as Soper. She has since gotten married.)

Once upon a time I was funny. And kept a journal. If you're interested, read on. (Warning, this is uncensored.)

For old times sake… Soper, this one's for you.

Sunday, August 28th 2011

Sleeping in a kindergarten may or may not be thee most uncomfortable thing in the history of ever.

Ulga is Anastasia's sister. That sucks. I bet her face was ugly too.

BLINI = love.
Love = Taylor C.
therefore, BLINI = Taylor C.

I appreciate Taylor today because he showers on a daily basis, owns and wears deodorant, and he doesn't have a rat tail.
Lauren ordered fries at the church of McDonald's today…

They gave her orange fanta.

If Lauren could have any guy, she'd want a native American guy with hair down to his butt, standing in the wind. Taylor S. likes humans. But she'll take a funny ape. 

Which reminds me… Russian men? Smell like beans, onions, and cheese. Baking in a dead rat's stomach. I think they purposely stand on the metro with their arms up so they can air out before they have a smoke with their dirty mistress. And by dirty I mean randy. (Thank you, Bert)

I haven't shaved my armpits yet. Lauren's foot modeling career is OVER. Aaaand I am getting fat. And am beginning to smell like cheese.

WELCOME TO RUSSIA!

Oh.. a little girl had a pet bunny today. She held it up by its ears. I filed her for bunny abuse. Or something. We americans do NOT tolerate animal cruelty. Or men that smell like cheese. 

Monday, August 29th 2011

Let it be known that today, I stood downwind of a man who was wearing cologne. BEST. DAY. EVER. (It didn't even smell good.)

8:24AM Soper got caught dancing to a woman's music. Heard from headphones. How embarrassing. 

There is a reason Russian cuisine is not found all over america. Quite honestly… they have very few restaurants that I care for. Among those is McDonald's. You know there is an issue with the food when Mickey D's is at the top of the chain-food food-chain. However, if you find yourself in Russia wanting something sweet, I do NOT recommend the chocolate ice cream popsicle bars. It was by far the worst thing I have EVER put in my mouth. 

… she totally said that.

Friday, September 2nd 2011

Worst. Day. Ever.

I got LOST. In MOSCOW!! ALONE!!!! Do you even realize how bad that sucks? I didn't even have Taylor with me. And by Taylor I mean Soper. Seeing as the real Taylor is halfway across the world. But it's fine. I'm marrying him in May.

But this is not a day of love. This is a day FULL of HATE!! for GULYA! She is ruining my life. And eating all my steak!!

…what?

So Bert just showed up and told us we have to meet at the metro by 9:00AM. Which isn't early… but I wanted a day of rest. And now because of STUPID Gulya… What kind of a name is that anyway?! I don't have money for another train ticket… and my day was supposed to be spent planning so I don't have any more catastrophe lessons. Today just sucked.

But it's okay.

I love Grisha.

And the movie Penelope.

This is a game we like to play.

Connect Harrison Ford to Meryl Streep in the shortest movie chain possible.

Saturday, September 3rd 2011

This kid and girl on the metro sat across from Soper and I. They made out half the ride. And I made eye contact with the boy. Twice. While he was kissing her. We vicariously made out.

Wednesday, September 7th 2011

Soper is convinced that facebook knows when you die, and it makes your profile page into a memorial. I'm 99% sure that's complete bogus.

I'm not so sure Russians are very big on decorating meals… but there was cabbage under our breakfast this morning. It looked nice… but WHY would you eat cabbage for breakfast?! And corn!?! WTF.

All beef tastes Russian.

Soper is also convinced that beets turn your pee red. Also, sometimes when the bathroom is occupied, we spit toothpaste out the window.

Monday, September 12th 2011

Soper's friend can shave off her nipple. And she has a hanging mole. She meaning her friend.

Vladi made us drink old, chunky milk today. I had to convince myself it was sour cream so I wouldn't throw up. That Vladi. He'll be the death of me. 

Wednesday, September 14th 2011

Well, Soper has a new theory. She is now convinced that eating lavenders will increase sexual desire. Maybe I will just serve lavenders at my wedding.

Word of the day: Wampole

Meaning: synonym for aphrodisiac 

Thursday, September 22nd 2011

We had eggs for breakfast this morning. I'm pretty much banking on having flower-killing gas today. That Vladi. He'll not only be the death of me, but of all the few living plants that Russia has left. On the bright side, I'm blending in with the people by contributing to the stench of their city. Look at me now, Chris Brown! I'm a freaking Russian!!

okay, I'm totally not. American's have bad gas, too. It just doesn't linger in the air for all of eternity. 

Friday, September 30th 2011

"I think of all places, a monastery should have internet…" - Soper

A few life-changing events just happened to us. I mean Soper and I. We are sleeping over in a monastery. And I think if I had never experienced a flirtatious encounter with a guy… I could probably live my life sworn to celibacy. Considering I already have so far. 

"Well first of all… where does that come from, and second of all… why do I have a hole in my crotch?" - Soper

Moving back to what I was saying… it's like before you've kissed somebody, kissing is still a big deal, but you don't know what you're missing out on. You know you are missing out, but you don't really know what.

Charlie: …is that a bee on your floor?

Soper: No. It's not. GET OUT!

"No, I'd MUCH rather have sex than get a million dollars." - Soper

But back to life-altering experiences… we got locked in the bathroom today :(

October 13th

Culture class with Gulya…

Woman pregnant from a 3D porno…

How was your day?

September 2nd November (soper is smart.)

"If I wasn't eating a sucker right now, I'd want some candy." - Allie

I would like to dedicate these next few lines to my offspring.

Children-

I am writing this to you from the deepest sorrows of my heart. Throughout life you will face trials, temptation, and disappointment. Sometimes you'll face all 3 at the same moment. That moment is called BIFU-BAMS. Aka… the claw. I know we are firm believers in Toy Story - But they LIE. If your toys are on their way to the incinerator, you can bet your bottom litu/lat/kopek/rubel/dollar that they will BURN! Why? Because THE CLAW LIES!!

Friday (date unknown)

Child #1: Yudgin (Genya)

Level: Catch-up (kindergarten)

English speaking ability: 1/10. The only word I am 100% positive Yudgin knows is "Uhn! Uhn!"

This sound is produced by placing your tongue on the top of your mouth and making the sound of "uhn!" It usually gets higher pitched and quicker the more desperate he becomes.

Appearance: 8/10. Yudgin gets extra points for the charm his butterball physique emanates. A few appropriate descriptive words for Yudgin… rolly-polly, ginger, thuggin'. It's like this. He's a fat red-headed mexican Russian. Who never fails to wear his golden cross necklace. Except he's not mexican. At all.

Missing my students. Missing that lovely smell of Russia. 

DEFINITELY missing my buddies Bert, Charlie, Chanea, Lauren, & Taylor Price.

Good times, guys. Thanks for making it awesome!