Tuesday, September 17, 2013

covered wagon

Once upon a time, Husband and I were newlyweds.

So newly married, in fact, that we hadn't compleeetely crossed the farting barrier. It wasn't uncommon for one of us to pass gas in front of the other, but we were still in the phase where we actually made an effort not to.

There happened to be a night where I made a new dish for dinner. I don't even remember what it was...except for that it gave me extreme gas. Pumba gas status. Nobody would drink in the watering hole with me. (Mainly because it was just me and my husband, and there was no watering hole.)

Not feeling well, I decided to hit the hay earlier than usual. At the time our bedroom was fairly small, and I worried that if I closed the door and let loose, things would turn ugly really quick. So I kept the door open and got under the sheets.

I have an idea. I will spare husband the misery and just release a little at a time. The blankets will mask the smell and he will never know.

Oh wait. That doesn't work.
Ever heard of a covered wagon? Essentially I was constructing the atomic bomb of covered wagons without even realizing it.

An hour or so later, my husband decided to join me. I was still awake and still as gassy as ever. On the bright side, he didn't notice anything when he walked in the room.

I am a genius.

He then lifted up the covers. Within seconds a terrible smell started to diffuse across the room. He started cough/gagging and with watering eyes shouted, "OH MY GOSH! Is this what you've been doing the whole time?! Brewing?! Why did you keep it under the blanket?! I can't be in here right now."

He ran out of the room as I sat there processing what had just happened.

Well, that didn't go as planned.

I went to go apologize and cuddle with him.
"What are you doing! Get away from me!"

It took me a good twenty seconds and a few shed tears to realize he was joking, and my husband was not about to divorce me over the world's largest covered wagon.

By the time we had both recovered, he hugged me and said, "I love you, but please never do that again. We can't afford to buy new sheets right now."

I am quite proud to say we have yet to purchase new sheets, and my husband continues to love me regardless of the smells my body produces.


  1. I laughed so hard I cried when reading this. Which is a little awkward at work. But I love you and love this story. Love reading your posts...you have a gift for writing.