Wednesday, July 24, 2013

honesty is the best policy

There are two types of people in the world:
Those who pee in the shower, and liars.

And then there's me.

You see... All growing up it never occurred to me that peeing in the shower was an option. You'd think I would have taken full advantage of that, seeing as I peed absolutely everywhere else possible. (if I were a dog, I would own a lot of land.)

It wasn't until well into my high school experience that the idea of peeing in the shower was brought to my attention. You see, I hadn't had an opportunity to be exposed to those kinds of conversations. Elementary school kids are still learning how to use the toilet, so they don't talk about other places they pee. Junior high is awkward enough as it is - nobody wants to throw peeing in the shower into the terrible mixture of hormones. So naturally I glided through those stages completely blind.

Probably sometime in my junior year was the first time the conversation was brought up. Remember when playing the "question game" was cool? I guess that was just me. I was an avid participant in said game. It just so happened that someone happened to throw the shower question at me.

Be honest, do you pee in the shower?

I thought back to every shower I had ever taken. I thought back to every circumstance where I had been forced to get out of the shower and sit down, wet and cold, while I piddled in the toilet. Not to mention the tragedy of trying to use toilet paper when your whole body is sopping wet. Let's not go there.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. WHY had I never done this? Shower after shower, I had to meticulously plan whether I could get away without peeing beforehand or if I had to force it so I wouldn't run into my cold, wet toilet-sitting conundrum.

I then thought about answering the question. I had to be honest, didn't I? But being honest would not only make me out to be a liar, but in the event this person actually believed me, they would think I lived under a rock. The kind of rock that doesn't let you pee in showers.

The next shower I took was a big moment in my life. I had mistakenly forgotten to take care of business before getting in, and once the water hit me I was instantly reminded that my bladder had not been emptied. The battle of whether I should hurry and finish my shower or suffer in the cold started running through my mind.

And then I heard a choir of angels.
They sang a song about peeing in the shower.

I felt so rebellious. This was actually happening! I was going to pee in the shower.

I stood there for a solid two minutes.
Okay, how do I do this? I was so inexperienced. Should I just stand here? Should I sit? Squat? Maybe I should take a baseball stance. Is there a technique to this? The possibilities were overwhelming.

Before I knew it, my bladder was empty. I had been so panicked I missed the entire experience.
The good news is, I did it again. I still do, occasionally. What can I say? When a pregnant lady's gotta pee... she'll pee anywhere.

Judge me. I dare you.