Monday, November 26, 2012

because getting angry fixes everything

With my job comes irritable people who believe the world stops and revolves around them when they are ill. I deal with angry people on an average of… every day. And I absolutely love it.

Why?

Because I find it hilarious. I mean, it can get old having someone yell at you, but it doesn't happen every phone call. For those of you who don't know what I do, let me explain.

I'm that annoying person who answers the phone for a doctors office located in California. Which is great, except for the fact that I'm doing it in Utah. That is beside the point. I answer phones and schedule doctors appointments, send refill requests, and really I just deal with anyone who calls into the doctors office. Period. I have heard it all, and I'm not even the doctor. (Seriously, you would be surprised at how much someone will tell you over the phone.)

The first angry phone call I got made me confused. A woman was calling in to schedule an appointment for her 15 year old daughter.

"She needs an IUD." she insisted.

Unfortunately for her, the doctor was completely booked out for a whole ten days.

"Unacceptable. This is absolutely ridiculous. How dare you treat me like this. Where is your  manager?! Let me speak to your manager!!"

I was flustered. My manager? I didn't do anything wrong…
"Ma'am, I understand that you want to get your daughter in sooner, but Dr. Physician is booked out for ten days. I can't get you in any sooner than that, but I can put you on the wait list and you will get a call as soon as someone cancels."

"No. I can't wait that long. My daughter needs an IUD. You are going to let me speak to your manager and get me that appointment!!"

Okay, lady. How about you tell your daughter to close her legs for a week, or hand her a box of condoms. It's not my fault your daughter is a slutty whore. If she can't keep it in her pants for ten days then she deserves to be a teenage parent.

…is what I wanted to say. Instead I stuck with, "One moment while I get you my manager. However, I would like you to know that regardless of who you talk to, the doctor's schedule is not going to change."

Not but two minutes later, I had another call. This time the woman was blaming ME for her daughter not graduating dental school.

Yes, folks. Guilty. It was me. I kissed this woman's daughter and gave her a cold sore that was so big it kept her from going to class for 3 weeks. Heaven forbid anyone see her with a cold sore. I locked her in her apartment and refused to let her leave the house until that cold sore was healed. Because it was my fault.

Oh, wait. You're right. I had absolutely nothing to do with the cold sore, and your daughter should grow a pair and go to class. I don't think dentists can take a sick day every time they get a zit on their forehead.

I enjoy those calls. It makes me feel like a champ for not being slutty as well as still attending class when I have a cold sore.

On the bright side, I started a social experiment. We have to ask each patient for their date of birth. I started telling everybody I had the same birthday as them. There is nothing quite as pleasant as an 83 year old woman singing to you, because you are the first person she has "met" who shares her birthday.

You should try it sometime. In the meantime, enjoy one of the "famous" men my husband hates. (Others include but are not limited to; Brad Pitt, Rob Dog [Robert Downey Jr.], and James Arthur.)

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