Sunday, August 19, 2012

..so I cut myself a piece of humble pie, or something like that.

Truth be told, every time I need to post something I revert back to "Because we can can can!" post, just to see what I should vomit about.

Post post post. Ugly word. But I'm going to use it.
A lot.
A bag of candy for anyone who can count them all.

So, I clicked on the post and read, "Biggest fear". (I've given up on keeping up with the dates. Deadlines have never really been my thing.)
As I looked and saw that I was supposed to write a post on my biggest fear, it took me back to a little over a year ago. I remembered I had written a similar post, but I couldn't remember what the heck I was so afraid of.

Much to my dismay, I realized how much funnier I was back then. I was also insanely immature.
And afraid of… what was that? Oh, right. Marriage.

I wrote that in April of 2011.
I got married 11 months later.
HA.

So I'm eating my words. Cutting myself a slice of humble pie (which I don't even need because I'm perfect), and taking back everything I said. However, the 19 year old college me was sincerely honest.

Read her words here. (Her being Allie Lundberg. I am Allie Cox.)

However, one year and 4 months later, here I am. Married as can be. New life, new fears.
Starting a new chapter in life without the fear of marriage might pose the question, what am I afraid of?

Sure, I've got my obvious list. Spiders. Heights. Courtney Davis. (that never gets old.)
I really had to dig down deep to figure it out. I thought about some profound things to say and make myself seem like a sweet innocent newlywed who fears mediocrity and wants nothing more than to make her husband happy and raise my children right. But that isn't really me. My words aren't exactly profound. Sometimes I take pride in knowing how to make my husband's blood boil. I also occasionally think about raising my kids wrong. You know, feed them candy for breakfast and teach them that farting in public is socially accepted. Stuff like that.

But that is much beside the point. I was on a journey to discover my fears. I was searching for the thing(s) that turn the caterpillars in my stomach into raging butterflies. (The bad kind. Not the twitterpated ones.)
So I dug… into my dinner plate.
Then I dug into my soul (or wherever fears abide.) and discovered something.

Similar to being afraid of marriage, this fear is something one might call "irrational".

It's no secret that people gain weight after they get married. I know I sure did. I also tend to look a little fatter if I haven't pooped in awhile. Also when my bladder is full. Also after I eat. So really what I'm trying to say is I'm [literally] inching my way to a chubby stomach.

It's also no secret that I like babies.

That being said, I have this insane fear of running into old friends on a particularly chubby day, and knowing they think I am pregnant. Not that they would say anything to me, but sometimes you can just tell what someone is thinking.

Having this fear has led to some rather awkward turns in conversations. Conversations that could have stayed normal had I not sabotaged them by making it a point that there was no bun in my oven.

"Oh, hi. You're married. So am I."
"We should talk about married things."
"So where are you living now?"
"We just live in Sandy, but we are moving to Murray."
"Oh, fun!"
"Yeah it's great. It's smaller than where we live now but that's okay because it's not like we need all the extra space for a baby or anything because there isn't a baby. I mean people want me to have one and I would love to eventually but nope! No baby for me. There is not a baby in my tummy, in case you were wondering. So it's okay that we're moving somewhere that doesn't have a baby room."
"…Okay, bye."

Really that has never happened, but I also have a fear that one of these times it just might.

That's all.
(So for any of you that were curious… No. I am not pregnant, nor will I be anytime in the next few weeks.) I can't make long term promises of no babies. Look what happened last time…