Tuesday, August 7, 2012

oh, master

This happened today.

I know this is supposed to be a newlywed story, but I still consider myself a newlywed. I also never said it had to be about Taylor & I.

When it comes to teaching swimming lessons, I usually do pretty good. A new session started yesterday (Monday) and for some reason, by these kids I cannot do right.

I like to play a game with the children where I make them guess my age. More often than not, I am a 40+ year old. However, yesterday I got a "FIFTY!!!"

Another child yelled, "No, FIFTY FIVE!!"
"Fifty FIVE?!" I exclaimed.
"You haaaave to be at least fifty. You have such a veiny face."

I told them because they thought I was fifty, they had to do fifty bobs. Upon hearing that story, Riley said, "Yeah, Allie. Fifty bobs. That'll teach 'em."
Whatever. It made sense at the time.

Later in the lesson (same class), a girl named America looked at me and said, "You have hairy pits!"

I glared at her and said, "YOU have hairy pits!!"
She responded with, "No I don't. Only boys have hairy pits."

By the end of the day I considered myself a fifty-five year old boy with hairy pits and a veiny face.

Ready to start the day fresh, I showed up this morning wearing my trusty old swimming suit. It's black. It looks like a regular FEMALE competition suit. There is nothing strange or manly about it.

But, like I said before, I cannot do right by these children. The first thing that was said to me by a student today was, "Umm… You're wearing a boy swimming suit."

Well, I thought, at least that explains why I have hairy pits. (Which I also re-shaved before leaving the apartment just as a precaution.)

America was in my very last lesson that morning. She got into the pool.

"Hey Africa."
"…My name is America. Call me America."
"Oh, yeah. My name is Allie. Call me Master."
"Yes, Master."
I love this already.

America is full of sass. She doesn't always know when to stop.
Neither do I.

When I couldn't get her attention, I started singing the chorus of "America the Beautiful" at the top of my lungs.

"AMERRRRICA! AMEERRRRICA!"

She looked at me. Without missing a beat, she sang (to the same tune, with a Britney Spears voice), "Oh maaa-aster oh maaa-aster!"

I laughed so hard I cried.

After lessons, a couple of my co-workers jokingly told me I had saggy boobs.

I am now a fifty-five year old boy with hairy pits, a veiny face and saggy boobs.
And I wear boy swimming suits.